Hello hello? Is this thing on? Where did I put my screwdriver now… oh yeah, over there on the breasts of the resin kit of Rio from Burn up that I meticulously painted by hand over the Thanksgiving break at my parent's house last year.

*messes with the keyboard*

Hello, hello? Testing… Oh, oh, Okay. I think it's working now.

Yeah, so anyway, this girl at the Anime club told me I need to get a life when I asked her what her 3-size was. What, like a new hobby? And she said that I need to get out more. So I decided to join this outdoorsy type club that does camping and hiking and stuff. Is this what she meant? Girls are so hard to figure out.

So that Megan person who is the president of the club organized this trip up to Tennessee for the long weekend, and I decided to make this my first step out into the sunlight.

It burns us, it burns! Good thing I brought some SPF 45 sun screen to put on, although I'm not sure it's helping much. Oh yeah, I also have SPF 15 lip balm too.

What, no wireless access up here? I think I might cry! Surely there's a Starbucks even out here in the woods. I mean, they're everywhere! Right?!

And the kayaking is killing me! I can't swim! I should've brought my lucky floaties! Also, I've almost lost my glasses about 6 times already. Mom will kill me if she has to buy me a new pair!

The sun is making my eyes hurt! Maybe I should ask mom to get me some prescription sunglasses while we're on the topic.

Hmm, I wonder how many puffs my inhaler has left before I need a refill cartridge. I didn't bring any refills with me because I didn't think I'd need them, but the kayaking is causing me to have heart palpitations. Oh god oh god oh god ohgodohgodohgod.

Oh my god! There was a bug in my tent last night! It must've been three feet tall! I almost peed myself! I should've brought another change of clothes, just in case. Man that was a close one. But I didn't have enough room in my bag to bring any clothes because I had to fit my beloved laptop “Akiko”, my range booster dongle, my GPS receiver, my iPod, and my 5 favorite H-doujins.

Anyway, thank god that one girl who talks funny heard me screaming and came to rescue me. Of course, after she held the bug out for me to see I passed out cold and don't remember what happened after that. I'll bet she took advantage of me while I was unconscious! Evil!

The other night I tried to chat that Megan girl up about anime, but that stupid teacher guy kept interrupting me. So I tried chatting Brianna up instead, but that one smooth-talking fancy-schmancy kid who was here with his brother told me to shut up and go away. I think I may go back to my tent and cry a little.

Instead, I went back to my tent to let my beautiful 2-dimensional girls comfort me. A funny smell started drifting into my tent not long after; it smelled like someone was smoking but it didn't really smell like cigarettes or cigars. It was weird. I don't think I've ever smelled it before. Perhaps they used a funny type of wood that burns stinkily for the fire.

I started feeling a little loopy after while and for some reason it didn't seem like a bad idea at the time to play a little pants-tango while flipping through my H-doujins. What the heck was I thinking?!

The next morning I couldn't help but wonder what had gotten into me. I mean, at LEAST not when other people are around! I puffed on my inhaler, looking around nervously. It felt like everyone was staring at me, even though it didn't seem so upon glance.

This was the last day of kayaking and bad things happened.

I was changing the playlist on my iPod when I heard some yelling coming from another boat. I looked up and was blinded by the sun and had to adjust my glasses, which had almost fallen off again. After a minute, I noticed that noisy Megan girl who wouldn't talk to me about anime was no where to be seen. And her raft had capsized. Oh, I guess there were other people on that boat too. I didn't see them either.

That girl that talks funny was pointing in a different direction and yelling loudly from her raft across the way. It was hard to understand her over the river. Then I saw her jump over the side of her raft, pulling one of the people on the boat with her. They started yelling too.

I looked over where she was pointing and this huge guy was standing on a hill with a giant bow and several wolf-like-things next to him. Did we just fall into a video game?! This is cool!

Before I could ponder that thought too much though, that goofy actor guy capsized our boat. AAAAAAAH MY POOR BELOVED AKIKO!!! MY IPOD!!! I started screaming and crying. My poor Akiko! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YOU BIG GAY MEANIE!

Someone hooked the back of my floatie, er, life jacket and pulled me over into a group in the water with the others as I cried over the death of my poor beloved Akiko. Then they drug us to the shore. The guy who yelled at the teacher the other night was talking very authoritatively and hurriedly about going somewhere, but I didn't much care because my beloved Akiko had perished in the most horrible and gruesome way imaginable.

After a bit someone handed me an oar with a tent spike tied to it. I simply held on to it and continued whimpering until the authority guy came back and pounded me on the head and told me to shut up lest I get everyone killed. Killed what? I adjusted my glasses? He frowned at me and told me to get ready to move and to BE QUIET OR ELSE. I inched over toward the feyish actor kid who killed my beloved Akiko and punched him in the arm before getting in line several people ahead of him so he couldn't do anything back. JERK!

At some point later we stopped moving. There were hushed voices ahead. Word trickled back from the front that we'd come to a clearing with some of those wolf-things in it. And that we were going to have to make our stand here. I looked around nervously and clutched my oar. Wha… what's going on? Do people in Tennessee still hunt game with bows and arrows? What hicks! This is just like that movie Deliverance.

And so, the few sneaky people among us crept into the clearing I guess, then a few moments later the rest of us charged noisly, with oars raised.

I will humbly admit that I am not really a fighting type of person. I am more of a type that bullies steal lunch money from. But I went with everyone else into the clearing, and while they were fighting with the dogs, I took a swing at the actor guy for murdering my poor Akiko. We hates it! We do! He would pay for murdering her! Of course… going back to that humble admission, I missed and hit the nearby wolf instead. But I continued trying! Unfortunately, while I get an “A” for effort, it didn't really amount to much. I actually managed to hit pretty much everything around me including myself except that stupid actor kid, argh!

I was still flailing around with my oar when the authority kid grabbed a fist full of the back of my shirt. I calmed down long enough to hear some hands clapping behind me. I turned and squinted at it, realizing for the first time that my glasses were long gone. Mom's going to kill me when I get home.

The clapping guy was the one from the hill. He had his bow in his hand, with an arrow nocked. He was much larger than I thought he would've been up close. I was about to start whimpering again about my beloved deceased Akiko, when I started to notice the REAL carnage around me. Megan wasn't here at all. My mouth hung open for several minutes as I stared about me.

Several of the people from the trip lay… dead? around me. That's when I noticed my leg was bleeding pretty bad. But it didn't hurt, for some reason. The authority guy, the girl who talked funny, some quiet guy and girl, neither of whom I had ever said anything to during the trip, and that feyish actor guy WHO MURDERED MY BELOVED were the only others still standing. Everyone, including myself, was covered in blood.

I wet myself. I couldn't help it. I had never seen anything this horrible in my life.

Oh, what am I going to doooooo, my poor beloved Akiko! You are the only one who can give me the google-answers I need to life's mysteries! You're the only one who can advise me in situations like this! Please, shine down from heaven and give me some kind of answer! Some kind of reason for all of this!

I continued muttering uncontrollably to myself as we were shuffled off down some forest path by the big guy and his wolf buddies.

That big guy that everyone was calling the Huntsman took us to see this frosty bitch, who was like that one evil villianness chick in my favorite video game, Tales of Symphonia. And then we were separated up and shuffled off in different directions. They took me to this place that was like a gym and made me run in a locked hamster wheel for weeks straight.

I cried and cried for the first week or more because it hurt like that time I got a bunyon on the ball of my foot that wouldn't go away, except worse. And I sweat like a pig the whole time, which made my hair stick to my face. My glasses were gone but apparently I didn't need them much anyway.

Perhaps I was running some kind of power generator? But anyway, any time I stopped someone would come in and stick a thorn-like thing in my back near my tailbone and make me run again with it in there for a few hours which hurt even more, so I stopped stopping, if that makes any sense.

Whenever someone came in, I tried talking to them but they would ignore me or tell me to shut up. I muttered to myself sometimes while running in my hamster wheel because it was kind of lonely in here without my Akiko and the H-doujins to keep me company.

Eventually, after what seemed like a century, they transfered me to this big clear hamster ball and made me roll myself into this place with all these pretty people lounging around doing nothing. And from then on I was forced to roll my ball around all day. Oh yeah, they also gagged me so I couldn't talk to myself or anyone else anymore. I am very sad and lonely now. At least give me some of my H-doujins back!!!

Later, after I had behaved myself inside of my hamster ball for a few weeks or more, they made me stop, get out and then they let some pretty boy that those yaoi-loving fangirls would squee endlessly over, well, they let him do me in the butt. What the heck is wrong with these messed up people-ish-things! They don't do stuff like this in anime or games! Well, they do in yaoi, but no one watches that stuff but stupid smelly fat girls with yucky hair that only have big breasts because they're FAT!

Owwie, it hurt a lot. I cried and cried great big emo-tears; I had lost my anal virginity before I lost my real virginity. It makes me so sad. My poor departed Akiko would be ashamed of me.

Back into the hamster ball I went, nevertheless, and around and around the harem I rolled, day in and day out. Like that first time, I would occasionally be taken out so that someone could do me. Sometimes it was even a girl. But I was so depressed by then that I hardly cared. I just couldn't really feel anything anymore. I still think about my poor Akiko all the time, though. Some day I will get out of here and resurrect her, my poor Akiko. I miss you. *emo tear*

My fetch is so lucky. Not that I know about that yet, but…

I was trying to recover from my anime addiction, taking baby steps, first by “getting out more”, and then… well I don't know where I would've gone from there, since I didn't even finish the first step of my 20 step program.

But anyway, my fetch on the other hand headed back full-force into anime. He took a bunch of Japanese classes, graduated by the skin of his teeth, joined the JET program, and is now teaching English to middle schoolers in Sukagawa (須賀川), right near Onahama harbor (小名浜港 / Onahama kou) on the Pacific coast, north of Tokyo.

While that's cool and all, the thing that makes me jealous is he's had like 50 girlfriends since he's been there! No lack of the girl lovin' has he, like I did at UGA and in high school. WHINE. I bet he has a new laptop, too. *CRY*